hazy drift

Have you ever felt so heart broken, that it really feel’s like your heart hurt’s?
♥ oo at nakakapayat

Do you think that your ex still has feelings for you?
♥ i’d like to think he finally moved on

What are the best things to say to someone who dumped you?
♥ luckily i have never been dumped yet

What is the glue that sticks together a broken heart?
♥ acceptance

What would you do if your ex just showed up at your house right now?
♥ acknowledge him.  i respect my past

Whats the worst part about a breakup?
♥ the blaming

What’s the number one reason couples break up?
♥ insecurity

Did your first breakup destroy you completely?
♥ not completely but i almost did not recover

Can you remember what you did right after your breakup with your last bf or gf?
♥ cry?

What’s the best thing someone could have said to "comfort" you during a break up?
♥ i am not the comforting type

What is the most cowardly way to break up with someone?
♥ blaming the other just to escape

What’s the worst thing a girl/guy can do to you after a breakup?
♥ pretend he still cares when he does not and pretend he does not when he still does

Have you ever broken up with someone and felt good about it?
♥ yes, i felt relieved and as if a weigh was lifted off my shoulder

What are some good break up lines?
♥ the direct lines…. this is not working out anymore

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
♥ i hope not but if i did, i know they could mend it, i choose tough guys

Do you still think about your ex?
♥ not anymore, what’s done is done no point thinking about them

How do you stop the tears after your first love breaks up with you?
♥ you can’t

Would you end a relationship because your partner cheated?
♥ yes, i don’t believe in second chances

you have just built a house. 
you built it with care. 
it was very detailed, unique and you were happy with the results. 
it gave you so much joy that you never wanted to part with it.
you thought it could withstand everything,
a storm came though   and no matter how you try to save it,
it still ends up wrecked. 
now you look at your house, torn…in shambles. 
you weep your heart out because it cannot be saved. 
what once was breathtaking was now a pile of dirt,
all was done for nothing, or so you thought. 

is it really for nothing?
could you still rebuild it?
could you use the wood to build another house?
if so, what kind of house will you build?
will it be that same house?
will you build it with perfection?
or will you be satisfied with just a simple house knowing that a storm can come again?
will you care this time?
or will you just build it just so you have a roof over your head?

does it really matter this time?

1. What is your occupation? sales/cust serv rep/tech supp rep

2. What color are your socks right now? no socks

3. What are you listening to right now? manager talking

4. What was the last thing that you ate? bihon

5. Can you drive a stick shift?  a what?

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? green

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my customer

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes., best friend and sister

9. Favorite drink? … green tea

10. What is your favorite sport to watch? none

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes, blue-black and burgundy

12. Pets? pets die in my care

13. Favorite food? filipino

14. Last movie you watched? (on DVD) Step Up 2.. unfinished

15. Favorite Day of the year? birthday

16. What do you do to vent anger? walk out

17. What was your favorite toy as a child? no toy at all

18. What is your favorite, fall or spring? christmas season

19. Hugs or kisses? words and hugs and kisses

20. What kind of pie? buko

21. Do you want your friends to email you back? why not

22. Who is most likely to respond? hahaha! none

23. Who is least likely to respond? all

24. Living arrangements? living alone

25. When was the last time you cried? may 3′08

26. What is on the floor of your closet? strands of hair

27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? am not sending this to anyone

28. The friend you have known the shortest amount of time that you are sending this to? am not sending this to anyone

29. Favorite smell? my BF

30. What inspires you? family, firends, bf

31. What are you afraid of? rejection

32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Cheeseburgers.

33. Favorite car? n/a

34. Favorite cat breed? not specific

35. Number of keys on your key ring? just 2

36. How many years at your current job? more than 1

37. Favorite day of the week? friday, last day at work

38. How many provinces have you lived in? Zamboanga, Cebu, Misamis, Bohol, La Union, Batangas, Mindoro, Cagayan Valley, Dumaguete, Tagaytay

39. How many countries have you been to? Philippines and Japan

my love for you is freedom
it is not demanding nor pushy.
all it asks is for your thoughts to be me first thing in the morning
and the last thing on your mind before you sleep at night.

it is not creepy.
it will not stalk you in the middle of the night.
it is polite. it will knock on your doorstep
and ask permission before it enters.
that way, you don’t have to be watchful or to hide.

it is shy, humble.  it is not arrogant nor conceited.
neither is it bold.  it is passionate but it is also timid.
it will only hurt like a butterfly.
my love for you is patient. 
it will always accept even if it does not understand.

it is not perfect. it is human.
it will make mistakes. it sometimes cries at night when it is alone.
it sometimes is weak, insecure, doubtful and jealous.
but my love for you is also hopeful and enduring…
because it wants to last.

it is simple. it only wants you to be happy.
it wants you to succeed in all aspects even if it comes to losing you
because my love for you is not selfish
it may not know the right words nor the right caress
but it wants to give you everything it has to offer.

my love for you is freedom
the only cage it wants you to know….
is my arms wrapped around you…whenever…wherever.

“i love you”
apparently, i have a hard time saying these words.
the more i feel this the more scared i become.
i have imagined saying these more than once in different ways
in different ocasions but i have never had the chance.
there seems to be no right time or right moment for these three little words.
when you love someone, this is suppose to be the easiest words to say..
i have only said these words a couple of times and all those times i meant it.
i remember perfectly where, when, how and to whom i’ve said it.
i am waiting for that day when i can say these again without holding back,
without being scared of the consequences.
i wish to say these without turning away or hiding my fear with a smirk.
cause when you feel this, it consumes you
and no matter how hard you try to hide it, it still spills out.
it’s in your eyes, your carress, your hug, your kisses. it’s everywhere.
i wish i could say this freely and to accept everything that comes in saying it.
to open myself up to the possiblity of hurting again,crying again,
allowing myself to be vulnerable.
saying this means i am letting that other person break my walls and letting him enter.

but then again,
i also know that saying these words is another chance for happiness,
for hope,
for “us” insteaad of “i”.

so how hard can it possibly be?

well, hello again loneliness

it seems that i am constantly seeing you

more than i want to

come sit beside me

since you have been trying to get my attention

every chance you get

so how are you?

how have you been?

do you like what you see in me?

can you put your arms around me and comfort me?

will you catch my tear and wipe it away?

will you tell me it’s okay?

Hello again loneliness

sometimes i wonder if you really are my friend

or are you a foe, why won’t you let me go

can’t you see i don’t want you

can’t you feel how desperately i want to be free of
you

can’t you just leave me alone for good

……..hello again loneliness…..

i think it’s time for you to go

i will be okay, i assure you.

celebrations.awkwardness.cowardice.fakes.
people. rivals.bitches.lovers.friends.strangers.
alcohol.beer.wine.rhum.——-toxic!
stress.pressure.sighs.
songs. shouts.  gone. overboard.
words. stares. texts. silence.——all BS!
toasts.laughters.caress. comfort.
secrets…..lots and lots of secrets.—-still toxic…still BS!
broken friendship.new found friends.
revelations.breakdown.heartache.pain.unshed. tears.——all crap!
assumptions.presumptions.illusions.reality.—– slapped—-ouch!
reality. reality. reality.  loneliness.  estrangement. me. alone. again.
insensitivity. derelict.  inconsideration.  vagueness.   invincible.
outcast. unwanted. alone.me. again.
bitterness. favors. payments.

mistakes. mistakes. mistakes. mistakes.
MISTAKES—–AM I NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE THEM?
i never said i was perfect……………
tired. suppressed. control. out of. me. stop. ssshhhh…nonsense.
afresh. forget. ssssshhhh. nonsense.
litany. over and over. shleeeep.  GROW UP!!!!

LET GO.easy. escape.
period. end. no. questions.   

all CRAP. all BS. all FAKES.

BOW.

(Eto ang kaunaunahang Tagalog Piece na sinulat ko, ang hirap pala)

Naririto nanaman ako sa KFC, medyo na-miss ko na kasi and hot and crispy chicken nila.  Mag isa lang ako kaya nakaupo ako sa sulok lamang ng restoran. Habang kumakain ako, naisip kong bakit nga ba pabalik-balik ako dito  mag isa man o may kasama.   Paborito ko ang KFC.   Unang KFC na napuntahan ko ay sa Cebu, summer ng 1997.  Mag co-college pa lang ako nun.  Kararating ko pa lang ng Cebu noo’t yun agad ang gusto kong subukan, kumain sa mga fast-food na napapanood ko lang sa tv at wala sa aming lugar.  Marami rin akong nasubukang kainan, pero sa KFC ako bumabalik.  Minsan nang may nagyaya sa’kin kumain sa labas, dinala nya ako sa isang mamahaling restoran.  Di ako nag-enjoy.  Maliban sa kinailangan ko pang mag-ayos at magpa impress, di pa ako makakain ng marami, at di pa masarap ang pagkain at mahal pa. Nang niyaya nya ako ulit, sinabi kong sa KFC na lang kami kumain, ayaw nya, di ata sanay kumain sa mumurahin lang.  Di na naulit ang paglabas namin.  Dahil sa nag-aaral pa lamang ako noon, limited and budget ko, kaya halos dalawa o tatlong beses lang ako kumain sa KFC bawat buwan.    Minsan na rin kaming nag-away ng boypren ko dahil sawang-sawa na ata siya sa KFC, mabait naman ako kaya pumayag akong sa iba na lang kami kumain, ang mahirap lang dun ay,wala naman siyang masabing ibang restoran na gusto niya kaya nauwi rin kami sa KFC na lang.
Nang pumunta ako ng Maynila, ang sabi ko sa aking sarili, mag-iiba na ako ng buhay kaya dapat di na ako masyadong bumalik sa KFC, subukan ko naman ang ibang mas okey na restoran.  Ang daming mapipilian dito, at dahil may sweldo na ako, hindi na isyu masyado kung magkano ang kakainin ko, maliban na lang kung sobrang mahal na ng pagkain.  Ang dami ko nang napuntahan, iba-ibang klaseng luto at pagkain.  Meron pang mga pagkain na mahirap ispelengin, masarap lang kainin.  Meron ding japanese, chinese, korean, Filipino, American, lahat na ng lahi ng pagkain.  Nag-e-enjoy naman ako paminsan minsan pag kumakain ako ng iba-ibang klaseng pagkain.  Akala ko nakalimutan ko na ang KFC at ang kanilang hot ang crispy chicken.  Kaya natawa akong bigla ng naisip kong andirito nanaman ako, kumakain sa KFC, maraming tao, magulo.  Mukhang ang hirap tanggalin ng KFC sa buhay ko.  Kanina lang ay naglalakad ako, walang patutunguhan, naghahanap ng mapupuntahan, at ngayon, heto ako kumakain nanaman sa KFC.  Minsan ang dami dami nating hinahanap, and dami nating gustong subukan, gustong gawin pero sa huli, bumabalik din tayo sa nakasanayan natin.
Bakit? Siguro dahil sa KFC, ako ay ako, di ko kelangan maging ibang tao, di ko kelangan magbihis ng marangya o magpa impress….Di ko sinasabing masama maging marangya,minsan maganda rin mag-ayos at pumunta sa mga lugar na di normal para sa’yo pero alam kong sa huli, ang puso ko ay para sa iisang tao, este restoran lang…at yun ay ang KFC.

Of course i also have girlfriends. This time I am going to talk about them.  For my girls, this is not to offend you.  In fact, this is open for discussion (approach me anytime, just don’t react violently).  These are just my thoughts and a way of expressing how you mean in my life and how much I appreciate you. 

Women want time, that’s one thing I know for sure.  They need it more than your(MEN) gifts.   Time is what I have so I spend it with them as much as I could. They also know that so they abuse it as much as they can(which is okay of course).   

"Almost Perfect Girl". This girl I knew just very recently.  She’s very beautiful, power driven and has a very sucessful career.  You’ll know when she’s in the room because you’ll see heads turn.   There’s only one thing missing in her life though, a man(oooops!).  In my own perspective,  i’d say she has the perfect life… but I’m not her.  It seems that she thinks she has problems, if she does not have one, i bet she’ll make one.  This girl can’t sit still, she always has something to do and that’s one thing I admire about her.  When she ask me questions and i don’t know the answer (or have already told her, she just doesn’t believe me), all i do is sigh then tell her to wait for the answer patiently.  When she tells me her worries(and it’s something that she does not really have to worry about),  i tell her, to hell with what other people think.

"The Sparring Partner". This girl is pretty much the girl player.  She will tell you all the things that you want to hear and compliment you, sometimes you’d wonder if it’s actually true(no offense meant). This girl also has the talent to worry and think  about the most weird things.  Things and ideas that would make you gape or leave you speechless. She’s also very sensitive.  She will tell you upfront if you hurt her, her most admirable trait(I need to be like this sometimes).  This girl and I had some memorable fights  too.  Why? this girl has opinions on everything just like me, the difference was we actually have opposite opinions almost everytime.  I still wonder why we became really great friends and how we started.  One thing is for sure though,  I can definitely rely on this girl especially on my hopping-the-boarding-house every now and then sessions.   

"The Level Headed Girl". This girl I’m proud to say is single like me and happier to say she’s also older (peace!).  This girl is very mature and tough.       She knows when to laugh and when to be sarcastic(which is most of the time, just like me, a sign of old age, haha).   She listens to my problems with men(and health) and tells me to stop the BS and get serious with my life, which of course i stubbornly refuse to do. This girl does not repeat herself much.  She will tell you what she thinks and you just have to figure it out.  She does not nag or worry.  She does what she wants which is to go home as early as she can most of the time(haha!).  I believe she only loved once in her life and for the longest time too.  I can relate to her attitude with men, but i also wish I can be as patient like her with waiting for the right man to come.  I hope she passes her legacy to me, if I could love that long, well,  I wouldn’t vent my frustrations to her.

"The Let Loose Girl".  This girl is my drinking buddy, "kulitan" buddy, bitch buddy.  She brings out the "kikay" in me.   This girl I can laugh with for the most stupid reasons.   I can only stay with this girl for a couple of hours and would need to get away from her  afterwards or else I’ll go crazy.  I curse with her and to her, we fight, we shout, we play(hmmm?) and still have fun (and headache) afterwards.   If heartaches could kill, she would have died multiple deaths by now.  This girl loves like there’s no tomorrow, worries like the world is on her shoulder and cries for all the wrong reasons.  I cannot count the times I tried to stuck her in the head hoping to put some sense into her,  I just am not sure if it actually works.  For all it’s worth, she’s very loyal.   She’s the one I call when I need to get drunk until "sawa".  I stick with her when I need to loosen up or cry or shout or well, just play billiards.

I love my girls. They are the ones who I call when I need to be sane for a while.  Why?  They are insanely very woman.  When I am with them,  I feel in control.  I feel like a man. 

off limits guy is a term i use for guys that are not safe for me, not because they are bad but because these guys leave you rattled and unsettled.    i have quite a few of these in my past.  they can make or break your day.  they can leave you with a smiling face or a broken heart.  they have this effect on you which you can’t seem to contain.  they are of different facades, some know the game, some pretend to not know the game, some are just plain innocent.

my recent off limits guy i think is just plain innocent(hopefully so).  he probably does not know his effect with women (or he’s just really good).  anyway he is very sweet, charming and young(blast it!).  he will make you feel really good at times then make you think the next, so you’ll be left wond’ring which is really which.  he is, i might add, really good looking too.

when i met this guy, i thought he was just a face(no effect whatsoever on me). when i got to know him better though, i found out he was more than that which is not good for me especially because i consider him a great friend and the only way i could really treat him completely as one is for me to forget my infatuation.

i really don’t know this guy much to judge him but i had my share of knowing guys that don’t speak a lot.  there are 2 types of silent men (as far as my observation is concern).  the first type is the smart one, the type who doesn’t speak much because these men does not need to prove themselves upfront.  the second type is the one who does not speak at all because he does not know much and is afraid he’d say the wrong thing if he starts speaking.   

unfortunately, the first type  makes me fall everytime and they are also the ones who make me cry in the end. i had so many bad experiences with this kind of men that sometimes(sad to say) i think my judgement / opinions are biased.   sometimes even, i think i actually became one of them.  the difference with me and these kind of men though is, they like to be with women, while i…. i’d rather be alone than hurt someone. 

then again, who am i to say these things.  who am i to judge them when i know for a fact that whatever kind of guy/girl you are, there will always be that someone who will put balance in your life and make a difference.