hazy drift

I lost him.
I tried so hard to find me inside of him.
I looked in his eyes so hard but my reflection was not there anymore.
I see someone else.
I looked around him trying to find a familiar memory.
It wasn’t there.
He was different.
His smile was different.
Even the music that he listens to is different.
It hurt.
I see a stranger and at one point I felt like I was breaking down.
Then again, who am I fooling.
We are now in different worlds.
We have changed and I’d like to think we are better now.  I’d like to think we both are where we want to be.
It doesn’t matter how far we are or how different we’ve become.
I’d like to think that though I’ve hurt him countless times,  I have helped him with what he’d become.
I’d like to think that although it is not a happy ending for both of us, at least one of us is happy and certain.

As for the world I created for my own,  I may not be there yet.
And yes, it is perfectly imperfect.
But the things I have learned, I would not trade for anything.
If I have to do it all over again.
I will do the same thing.
Because when I looked in his eyes, although it hurt,
I saw happiness.

So for that someone, who made him complete, thank you!
Thank you so much for bringing out the best in him!

For you O, you always have me. you always have had me.

1. My father died when I was 10

2. i love sbarro’s white cheese pizza

3. i used to love math and it loved me back

4. i love to sing at videokes

5. i have a sister and a brother and right now we are located in 3 different places,  States, Manila and Zamboanga

6. i took my college degree in Cebu, ECE

7. my best friend is in the States. i got the bouquet at her wedding (i think this is important as i got the bouquet)

8. i love to sketch although most of them are unfinished

9. i liked my hair better before, now they just died and got damaged

10. i like to write sensible(or so i though) and mushy thoughts

11. i live alone since i went to college

12. i don’t know how to cook

13. i don’t like kwek kwek

14. i used to have opinions about a lot of things, now i am just a lot of things

15. i am(was) an engineer(my licensed expired)

16. i am a call center agent (as per my employer)

17. my favorite color is purple

18. i love tequila sunrise

19. my mother is the best mother in the world

20. same goes with my sister

21. and i love my brother so much

22. i have small feet and hands

23. i think too much

24. i’d love to own a pet(dog) but when i tried before, it left me (it liked my neighbor more and did not return home )

25. i m still in touch with my grade school and high school friends

26. i grew up hearing Air Supply and E’head songs, so consider me a fan

27. i failed 3 times in college. Physics, Differential Equations and Differential Calculus

28. i like the movie “10 things i hate about you” and “the Rock”

29. i love apples

30. i have never been to Boracay

31. have been to Japan last 2006, thanks to my sister, it was a dream come true

32. i read books by Sidney Sheldon, Judith McNaught and Jude Deveraux. i like suspense better

33. i am not a fan of Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings

34. I really really like KFC

35. i first cried because of a boy when i was 18

36. i celebrated my 18th birthday with a bang

37. i only had 2 jobs since college. i don’t hop

38. my girl friends think of me as independent (or so they thought)

39. i only owned 1 brand of cellphone in my life…nokia

40. i grew monggo and talong plant in our backyard when i was young which was cut by my aunt as she thinks it’s making a mess

41. oh i remember,i had a pet once. it was a chicken. We ate it on my birthday

42. i shave my legs

43. i had my first real boyfriend when i was 18, we watched “The Mummy” on our first date (which my mom does not know of course)

44. I and my best friend had a terrible fight when we were in 2nd year high and it lasted for almost a year. we reconciled on Valentine’s day

45. My father died on my Mom’s birthdate and their Wedding anniversary

46. the first time i got really really drunk was in Puerto Galera and unfortunately my friends captured the moment (they can blackmail me anytime)

47. i used to speak my mind

48. i love trivias

49. i am 29

50. i have long hair which i plan to cut short soon

51. i play restaurant city in FB

52. i seldom check friendster anymore

53. i buy my things at ebay

54 i like/plan to collect watches, right now though i only have 1

………..

99. i realized that no matter how selfish or self absorbed you are, it is so very very hard to collect 99 facts about yourself

it starts when you wake up..
you feel like something is missing, so you try to figure it out. 
you just remembered…he’s gone. so the pain goes back. 
you drag yourself out of bed, forcing youself to be alert and not let your mind wander on past thoughts…
on past hurts.  you will yourself up, reminding yourself that you can do it..
you can move on.
you don’t look at you cellphone for a message.
you wouldn’t know what to do if he texted and you’ll be in pain if he doesn’t. 
you take a shower. then because you were able to make yourself not look at  your cellphone right away, you treat yourself by casually looking. 
however, nobody texted. 
then you tell yourself that you’ll change numbers so as not to hope  and to be able to finally move on,
(althought you know at the end of the day, even if you buy 10 sim cards, you will still switch it with your old number)
you text all your friends just to feel comforted,just to feel you’re not alone. 
you go to work, reassuring yourself once in a while that you’re fine..
encouraging yourself that it will turn out okay…
informing youself to be patient, that you will heal…in time..            everything has a reason afterall. 
you have a big smile at work
you make sure that you do better to compensate for the loss.
it might not be possible for you to have everything but it doesn’t mean you have to lose everything either… 
you were able to take him off your mind for 9 hours. a big achievement. 
you don’t want to go home though, you know you will think about him.
so you stay in the office until everyone leaves, then you are left alone…  again. 
it’s time to go home… you wish you drink so as not to linger in wakeness, but then you don’t so it’s a big problem.
you’re finally home.  you watch the tv, too tired to do the laundry, check your cellphone once in a while then decide to sleep again.
you have work later you must sleep….
….but then it starts, it creeps even if you try to brush it off your mind…
all the blame,
all what ifs,
the anger,
the loneliness
and no matter how often you cry,
your heart still bleeds for that someone who had hurt you over and over again

PITY. this is the most unfair reason to save a relationship. this usually happens when one loves more than the other (which is probably the usual case). nobody deserves to be pitied. everyone, i guess even the lowest of sorts need some dignity and respect. if you are staying because you pity the other person who loves you more that you love him/her, you are not only degrading him/her, you are also taking advantage.

GUILT. in a relationship, i guess this feeling is normal sometimes. you are not perfect. you probably feel this from time to time especially when you unconciously/accidentally hurt the person you love. but, here’s the thing, if you stay because you feel guilty about something and you don’t want to be blamed, then you are staying for the wrong reasons. relationships are commitments. you commit to love not to feel bad about yourself nor the other person. you will falter. you will make mistakes. however, when you continuously do the same mistakes over and over again, then probably you are doing it because whatever was there before was already lost, you shouldn’t be sorry, you should be honest to yourself and to the other person.

CONVENIENCE. yes you’ve been together for a while. time has tested you. the experiences were inevitable. you have learned. you have grown…but you’re stuck… why? because you are afraid of change… if you are staying because it is convenient, it is easier to deal with than face the unknown, if you are staying because you are afraid to function alone, if you are staying because you have become dependent of each other, if you are staying because it is safe and you are secure, then shame on you, THIS IS THE MOST SELFISH REASON OF ALL.

stay because there is a smile on your face everytime you wake up in the morning knowing that you are going to face it with someone you love

stay because you feel peaceful everytime you look at his/her face

stay because even if you are happy being alone, you know you are happier sharing your life with someone else

stay because you can laugh, cry, shout without worry

stay because you still feel free even with the limitations

…..

stay only if it doesn’t feel like you’re in prison

for the last few years, i have always celebrated valentines on my own and i never felt i was alone.  probably because i have accepted the fact that i was single and that never bothered me before. sure, once or twice i thought about someone sweeping me off my feet and giving me the moon and stars.  depression thogh was never there. it was just a wishful thinking. besides,  i thought i was past my childish/girlish dreams…not until this year have i realized that no matter how tough i am, i am still just a girl.

i am not single anymore. i actually thought Valentines will be different this year, why not, when there was/is a man who was/is supposedly the prince charming i have been waiting for.  funny to think, my valentines turned out celebrated alone still.  the only difference was, last year,  i didnt’ know how it felt to have someone who was not even there for you.  i did not feel the loss then…now, there is this empty whole inside i never even thought was there in the first place. 

i was almost fooled by the fairy tale that existed in my mind…I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER….THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING, JUST REALITY.

so there was that time when everything was simple, not quite clear but simple.

simple enough for you to be on the safe side, for you to be cautious.  i guess all those ends when you decide to throw it all in the wind and gamble your way to a more exciting yet unsure grounds hoping it’ll happen.  it hasn’t still, not even now, but that doesn’t mean it won’t …it might still happen.  i guess you don’t hold it in your hands but it doesn’t mean you will let someone else hold it for you, it is your life afterall… your future… your destiny.    you are not where you were before and that is suppose to be a good sign, but how close are you with your plan?  how close is it from happening?  how long will you wait before it finally becomes reality?

i  lost it. somewhere along the journey, i just did.  i am not sure if it’s a good thing or not.  one thing i’m sure of though is that the changes are inevitable.  i seem to have lost more than i have gained.  the happiness i’m feeling is so surreal, it felt temporary but so strong, sometimes i feel like i am allowing it to pull me in  the wrong directions.  i have not, in my entire life imagined it would come to this.  i have not, in my entire life saw myself going in this direction with open arms.  i am walking with my eyes closed.  i’m blind.  i’m deaf.  i feel like my ignorance is enough of an excuse of something i am actually afraid of. i have moved along another path i am not used to taking. the ground is shaky, unstable and steep.  my choices are starting to narrow down to uncertainties, or is it just me?  am i now so afraid to be left behind, that i have gambled to walk on deadly grounds?  will i be able to pull this off and get out with no regrets?  or will i stay and accept the changes that has started to take over me? will i look back and realize that i actually lost it a long time ago even before i crossed this path and that i just never noticed it?…. or have i not lost it at all, that i, the ever fearless me prefers to think that i lost it just so i can explain the overwheling changes in me?

i have come to a point where i can no longer understand myself and no matter how i try to regain the self i know… i fail. there is security in knowing who you are, knowing what you want, being in control. i miss that sometimes. when i think of all the reason for this pain, i end up thinking i’m lost again. love should give you a path, a clear path of the unknown. the confidence to face this unknown even if there is no assurance along the road. how come mine is not working that way? how come i question myself of what i’m worth? how come i’m shrinking instead of growing? why do i allow myself to accept what is served? isn’t it just right to question? am i too selfish because i feel like i deserve more? or am i just too giving that i am left with nothing? love is unconditional, but i am humane. love doesn’t count, but i am worldly. love accepts, but shouldn’t it improve? love is humble, but it doesn’t mean it can be abused. love should sustain, still i’m hungry. love makes things possible, or so i thought. love changed me, when it shouldn’t and it did not when it should.

who will save you from yourself?

in times when you are even afraid of what you can do or how far you can go, who will be there to take caution?

in times when you feel like you are the lowest of sorts and you are so hopeless, who will give you the strength to put yourself back to pieces?

when you are destroying your life unconciously and is cursing the air you breath, who will help you unchoke yourself to death?

when your wounds go deep instead of heal, who will make it better?

when you can’t make yourself laugh in even the funniest jokes, who can crack you?

when you feel like all the people are out to destroy you and is plotting a way to get to you, who will even think of getting close to you?

when you’ve become a monster, how can you even face yourself in the mirror?

i want to get lost in the crowd. 

i want to disappear for a while. 

i want to cherish a moment of peace

where no one is watching,

where no one cares. 

i want to be invisible. 

i want to be  free of the pressure of being seen….

of being criticized. 

i just want to bump other people

and get away with it..

just for once. 

i wish not to feel. 

sometimes i wonder

what it would be like not to know love..

or hate..

or pain. 

would i be free of the emotional turmoil

i am feeling right now? 

if i get lost in the hundreds of people i stumble with everyday

would i be even immune of such irrational feelings?

is there peace in the vast ocean,

to be surrounded by a pool of water and be unreachable.

i wish to rest my mind with thoughts that kill me. 

i just wish to be free of everything. 

i wish to be free from people,

from my unforgiving self,

from all that makes me want to weep.

oh..how i wish….